By: Ley Rie

What We Wish They Saw – The Pain That Should be Clear as Glass

For us, it’s always the loudest pain carried with the front of a silent serenity on our shoulders. However, as the glass child, we are often overlooked, yet expected to be the strong ones, the caregivers, or the glue holding everything together. However, when we let our pain show, we are often deemed to be “too much”.  So, we hunch ourselves down to become too little for others to comfort. This pain was something that was ingrained in us from the very beginning – when they overlooked our smiles that didn’t quite reach our eyes, the laughs that seemed too forced in our hearts, and missed the silent cries behind closed doors.  When no one sees our actual pain, we stop letting out our emotions to survive.  What we wish they saw was the pain that should be as clear as glass. 

Stop Telling Yourself Everything Is Okay – It’s Emotional Abuse

Now that we have realized this is a reality that we are tired of, our glass starts to shatter, revealing our hearts. The vulnerability is the scariest part because it’s beginning to reveal everything that we keep bottled up. You are officially the family member deemed strong and given the role of the “fixer” for a family member who is unable to continue without your help. While that may be true, it is still all on you, and the ones who can help us carry the burden the most, oftentimes, put everything on our plate because they see on the surface that we are capable of handling it all. While we are given the role of caretaker to our loved one, we are simultaneously holding the weight of everyone and everything around us on our shoulders, which is Emotional Abuse.

Having this weight is Emotional Abuse because we are raised to grow up not showing anything other than a stable, happy demeanor at all times. Every frown, every slump in our shoulders, and every tear is selfish and overdramatic. We are told, “You have it easy,” “You are making it about yourself again,” and, worst of all, “Stop being upset – you are okay.” We must remain silent soldiers throughout it all. But we are only human. We eventually break down and become tired of it.

Our exhaustion becomes visible through the quiet solitude even around others – and while they notice, they don’t pay it any mind because they think it’s just a bad day for us. But, no – it’s so much more. While they may ask, “Are you okay?”, we know that if we answer that question with complete honesty, it’s only going to lead us to more pain. The ones who may love us the most only see the version we show them to love. 

They may only see this version of us because when we answered that question honestly in the past, everything in people’s reactions came toppling over onto us. It’s always the same cycle of words – “Don’t make this about yourself” or “I don’t like to make a big deal out of things like you do.” These words can leave you feeling like you’re stuck, and you desperately need a way out. An escape plan forms in your mind – and almost like instinct, you jump straight into action mode before giving yourself time to rest. You may also start finding ways of abusing yourself further, and it becomes Self-Abuse. 

The Road of Self-Abuse – The Rock Thrown to Make the Glass Shatter

You start to become a different version of yourself. But like a fire that won’t stop burning, you throw yourself into the flames of rebellion because you crave that freedom with every fiber of your soul. That one glass of alcohol to take the edge off becomes multiple glasses of alcohol to shut off the pain. That one cigarette that you smoke a day becomes your therapist for stress relief. These methods of Self-Abuse are something that you may have kept hidden from everyone around you. But, eventually, you will start to need help – and it will become visible to the ones from whom you have tried to keep it all hidden. 

Now you’re a burden to them – because in their minds, they have to deal with something that they are not emotionally mature enough to face. An ugly resentment starts to form like a black mark – not only for them, but for you. But you are thinking, “What right do they have to be mad when the black mark was on me from the start?” That is a valid feeling because it was your role from the very beginning. So, you start to crumble, and everything may fall apart. But even when things fall apart, once you have “healed”, everything is expected to continue again and again.

So, you stop the unhealthy habits involving them, and you continue with your life. In your mind, you feel like you can’t afford to stop again. So, you keep running in a direction that you don’t know where the destination is. You keep running because anywhere else may feel better than where you are now. 

It’s Suddenly a Problem When the Glass Becomes Tinted

You are stronger now, but you still need to heal. You need to face your pain. It may take an intervention to change your life for the better, allowing you to start living life to the fullest on your terms. The floor is constantly snatched right from under your feet by your loved ones, and you feel like you’re falling repeatedly. But the truth is that you need to fall multiple times and keep getting back up, keep going. But each time you fall, the fog around the road where you are falling becomes clearer each time you get back up. You slow down your pace each time, and you go down the road because you start to enjoy the view around you as the fog begins to lift.

However, the price you have to pay is that your glass is now tinted, and the people around you may start to hate that. It forces them to see the truth in the mirror. As your tinted glass becomes darker, it shows its reflection because it’s no longer clear. So, they are scared, and they project that reflection onto you. All this hurt is put on you because they need to do their healing. It’s not your fault. Yes, you may worry about them, but you also start to become distant due to your healing journey. This distance only hurts them more, and the pain becomes an ugly monster constantly attacking you.

You begin to deal with more anger directed at you. You may be told, “You are not who you used to be” or “I can’t believe you would do this to us.” So, you become the problem child. You know in your heart you are not the problem at all, and it doesn’t feel fair because you are the sponge absorbing people’s emotions. You have a decision to make, and you choose to seek a brighter future. Now you know that you were never the problem at all. It was the role forced on you.

 

The Prism Rainbow at the End of the Tunnel that Reflects on Your Glass

The hopeful future that you have sought is now within your reach. You can reach it by meeting friends, seeking help, and finding an outlet that makes you feel like you belong. Whatever it is, you can heal; you can come out on top of it all. You don’t have to do this alone. You can use your power to find community.
The hopeful future is the call to action you need to hear to become who you could be.

Additionally, you can find community through seeking help to heal your inner child. You can share a story of your own. And, you can support ARO’s mission to make the future brighter for victims of abuse through volunteering for us or even donating your money and time. You have the power to break the cycle. 

Now, the destination that you have reached is a beautiful rainbow at the end of the tunnel. The fog is no longer there, suffocating your surroundings. It is indeed a beautifully hopeful sight. That’s you – you have become as colorful as the rainbow now. You are no longer see-through glass. Let your colors sparkle. 

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