By: N.M. Bialko

Just before Christmas in 2019, I was home for the holidays but in the throes of a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. I was feeling like a shell of my former self, and my mind was fixated on negative thoughts.

I found myself thinking of a woman who had made the local news because her ex-boyfriend set her on fire in a bank parking lot. She survived for a short while from a hospital bed but later succumbed to her injuries.

I was thinking of her and the varying degrees of abuse when I had an idea. What if I talked to other abuse survivors? What might I learn? Would it help me heal?

I believe that our stories can protect and educate others about abuse. Our stories can help others gather the courage to escape.

Kim Carpenter is an ARO volunteer in our Training and Development department. I am honored to share her story with you.

When I first met Kim, I was immediately drawn to her. She mentioned her grandmother’s dream, a psychic friend, and journaling in the first few minutes. I couldn’t help but interject to tell her that I believe deeply in the messages of our dreams. I have been to psychics and mediums and have kept a journal since I was ten. I would go on a few more times to tell her that we were on the same wavelength and that I could relate to her experiences (I believe many of you will too).

I also couldn’t help but notice her glowing skin and long blonde hair. She had a calming and comforting presence about her, and I felt — her — light.

Yes, I do believe I saw her light!

The Origin of Kim:

She talked of her childhood — how her parents divorced when she was a newborn and her father immediately remarried. Her formative years were spent living with her father, stepmother, brother, and two step-siblings. She had a difficult childhood, as many others do who come from broken homes. Her stepmother was abusive, and her father turned a blind eye and would side with his wife.

Her stepmother would hide gifts her mother sent and isolate her from her mother. Her mother would write letters and send airline tickets that she would never see. Her mother would phone only for her stepmother to disconnect the call. Cookies that her mother made were deemed to be “poison” and tossed in the trash.

Before starting her senior year in high school, she was abused for the last time and moved in with her mother and stepfather.

As she entered adulthood, she found herself repeating the pattern of chaos that she lived in as a child. She found herself going from relationship to relationship in search of love. She would go on to marry, divorce, marry again, and divorce again, all within nine years. She discovered that her first husband preferred men, and her second was verbally abusive and preferred alcohol.

After the shock of the first divorce and then finding the strength to leave a man who made derogatory comments, she found herself immediately back in her cycle of needing another relationship and on Match.com seeking another companion.

The Narcissist:

She recalls seeing his profile for the first time and described him as “magnetic” and “charming.” (They always are.) She would enter an eight-year relationship with this man despite her initial gut feelings and noticeable red flags. Like so many of us, she made excuses for him and felt that she could change him.

I asked her to describe the relationship, and she said that it was “up and down” nearly from the beginning. She recalled a time very early on where she was at work and struck with the idea to check back on Match. She did and found his active profile. When she confronted him, he lied his way out by saying he was just talking with a co-worker.

Now for us, reading this now, we might ask: Why would he need to talk to a co-worker via Match.com?

But we can never underestimate a skilled liar. Kim reluctantly believed him, and the relationship continued.

They went on yearly cruises to the Caribbean or Mediterranean. They flew to Paris and London, among many other destinations. He would give her expensive gifts or spend money. Her favorite movie is Pretty Woman, and he would use that movie as his own personal script and once left her $1,000.00 after an intimate evening together.

She noted that anytime she would try to get away, he would use gifts to “win her back.” We know that excessive gift-giving is a way to control and manipulate (also known as “Love Bombing”). She noted that the gifts never felt “genuine” and were used to keep her. Even with all the lavish gifts and travel, he never uttered the words, “I love you.”

He did, however, have his sob story.

We agreed that manipulators would come with their very own sob story — a story designed to “hook” you and have you excusing otherwise abnormal behavior. They want you to have compassion for their lies. We also call it a “sob story,” as they will normally be crying when they tell it to you.

This sob story was twofold: he wanted Kim to feel sorry for him, and he wanted to control the narrative of his ex-wife. He explained that his ex-wife repeatedly cheated on him, and she was a “drunk.” It was because of his painful marriage that he would never marry again. He also had difficult relationships with his family, including his father (Insert his fake tears).

It certainly feels that the negative things a narcissist says about a past relationship are really lies about the previous partner and the actual truth about them (Projection).

Do you want to know the truth that Kim would discover?

He cheated on his wife throughout the marriage. He even dared to go on a cruise with an old girlfriend one week before he married. He was the cheater and would carry on relationships with other women. His ex-wife would barely recover from her abusive marriage and found herself drinking to cope. To this day, she has never remarried.

He also had strained and meaningless relationships with his own family and friends. At one point, when Kim was in the process of ending this abusive relationship, his stepmother said, “What do you want us to do? We are afraid of him” (As were other members of his family).

She was treated as arm candy and a sex machine. He would want her to “dress sexy,” and when she did, he would get jealous and controlling around other men. He would text and call incessantly to confirm her whereabouts. He would show up to her work parking lot to make sure her vehicle was parked. He would call several times throughout the day, making it difficult for her to concentrate at work.

All the while he was stalking her, he was the one cheating. Flirting with neighbors, leaving phone numbers of other women in his car, and on one occasion, even harassing a woman he knew through work (He lied his way out of that one too). He never apologized for his behavior or for the pain he caused.

Why not just leave? We at ARO understand it is never that easy.

She discussed the shame she felt from her perceived failures that included two divorces and now ending another long-term relationship. How might that look? Deep within us, we all want to believe that the person we shared our life with loves us.

“He wanted me, but he didn’t want me.”

The Stripping of Kim:

Kim made a career for herself in Human Resources. She credits that career and the skills she acquired to the work that she does now as an Intuitive Mentor and Soul Coach. When she first met her abuser, she was working in HR and doing well for herself. She also had her hands on other projects and switched careers to interior design.

She was financially independent. She was earning a solid wage plus commissions.

He didn’t like that financial independence. How could he control her if she didn’t need him financially?

It started with her finding a new job to be closer to their home. She had an hour commute one way, and that was causing her to be away from home too much, according to him. He needed her close. She accommodated him by getting a new job closer to home but with less pay. As we previously noted, he would need to be in constant communication with her while she was away at work, and work became difficult due to the distraction. She ultimately lost her job when the firm closed.

He encouraged her to sell her car, and she did.

Now that she had no job or vehicle, both equate to freedom; he belittled her. He would call her a “gold digger” and tell her she would make a great “trash collector.” That is important to note. She met his demands only to be belittled and ridiculed. Is that love? No, that is a manipulative technique called “moving the goalposts.” It is also cruel.

She had no job, no car, and $25 in the bank. She even relied on him for health insurance.

The “Aha” Moment and The Exit:

She attended a fundraising event for domestic abuse where she witnessed a female speaker telling her story of abuse. I feel the need to mention the power of telling our stories again. This woman had exited a failed relationship and entered a successful life with true love. One that led to her being a keynote speaker at an event designed to raise up women from abuse.

Kim thought to herself, “She’s telling my story.”

Over the next few months and several other “Aha” moments, she found the courage within her to leave, but not without a little help.

She started by making a phone call to her mother.

As she recalled the story of that phone call, she was overcome with emotion. She was brought right back to that day when had she struggled to find words as her stepdad answered the phone.

“Are you ready to leave?”

“Yes.”

With that, they packed her up and brought her home. Sounds familiar? I commend Kim for this moment. The moment of pure strength. The moment that would eventually lead to her freedom.

The Healing:

Kim credits making a deep inner healing her focus. Books became her lifeline, and she allowed herself the chance to mourn her loss. She admits to bad days with anger and lashing out at her parents, but she accepted that as necessary on her path to forgiveness.

Of all her reading, she mentioned Dr. Phil’s Life Strategies as an integral part of her healing. She appreciated his straightforward approach to changing your life and turned one of his “Ten Laws of Life” into her mantra.

#9 — There is power in forgiveness.

You cannot lock me into a bond with you, where you become part of my very being and part of what I think, feel, and do every day. I will not bond with you through hatred, anger, or resentment. I will not bond with you through fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I do not, and I will not.

(Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters, 1991)

The Metamorphosis:

Kim is now an Intuitive Mentor and Life Coach and encourages mystical journaling and returning to your heart center. Her life’s work is now focused on the soul. She wants all of us to know that life offers us many possibilities and to remember that there is power in gratitude and forgiveness.

Despite the years of abuse by her stepmother, who is now in the late stages of dementia, Kim visits monthly to help her aging father care for the woman who was once so unkind. I am happy to report that she talks to her mother regularly and visits as often as she is able.

Kim lives her message of forgiveness.

She knows that we are all worthy and continually evolving, but we must give to ourselves first. We must love ourselves first.

We must walk through our storms.

Let Kim be your light.

Kim was just promoted to Training & Development Manager and is in training to become a Norm Therapy Intake Specialist, whose sole occupation is to interview abuse victims at ARO, and should complete training before the end of the year.

To learn more about Norm Therapy, go to https://GoARO.org.