By: Whitney Derman

Domestic Abuse affects everyone in the family, not just the victim.  Although this piece will only mention a few examples, it is important to know “Abusers can be intimate partners, spouses, parents, siblings, or other household members, and they do not need to share a living space with their target in order for a situation to be considered domestic abuse.” (Khan, 2018)

This article will address the negative effects of domestic abuse on the witnesses.  Even if they are not the direct victims of abuse, witnessing a parent, sibling, or child being abused can negatively affect them for the rest of their lives without proper therapy. The truth is, abuse affects the entire family. It can start a cycle of abuse for future generations.

Witnessing spousal abuse can affect a child in several ways, such as:
1.     Behavioral problems: tantrums, difficulty sleeping, learned violence or abusive behavior, trouble at school and home
2.     Being extra clingy and fearful: extra clingy towards the abused parent
3.     Possible substance abuse as means of coping
4.     Feeling responsible for solving the problem or caring for their abused parent
(Brown & Charbonneau, 2019)

Witnessing spousal abuse can also affect a child’s own romantic relationship when they grow up. If they are in a family where abuse is persistent, they may think that it is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. Therefore, children of a chronically abused parent are more likely to be in abusive relationships, either as an abuser or victim. They grew up with this behavior being an accepted part of the family dynamic. Without proper therapy, this creates a cycle of abuse that can last for generations (Khan, 2018).

Now, let’s say you’re lucky enough to be born into a safe and happy family where spousal abuse does not occur, and you don’t understand the cycle of abuse. It’s generally accepted and expected for parents to spank their children when they are misbehaving. If your parents did it, it is likely because their parents spanked them as a punishment, which can be traced back for generations.
Most people do not see a problem with this, because it’s seen as normal in society.

However, if a parent did not spank their children, the cycle would stop. When they become parents themselves, this would not be their first response to a child misbehaving. The same can be said about spousal abuse—it’s been widely accepted in society for thousands of years—so many people assume it’s normal or may not know another way to react in situations of stress and anger. This is not an excuse; this is a reason to proactively break that cycle.

Witnessing a parent abuse a sibling can also negatively impact them and their relationships.  Even if you are not abused, but a sibling is, “strong ties are forged between siblings who supported or tried to protect each other. However, all too often there continue to be problems, such as issues of secrecy and betrayal.” (Becker-Phelps, 2011) This can lead to animosity and mistrust and ruin the relationship. Possible conflicts can arise from feelings of guilt for not having prevented the abuse, feelings of jealousy or betrayal from the abused sibling, and fear of the abusive parent acting that way towards them. If a sibling is being abused, it can be hard to navigate because, on the one hand, you may want to protect your sibling, but on the other hand, by doing so, you may have to endure similar abuse. This often leads to the non-abused sibling being shy and quiet because they fear repercussions, and may feel like they are walking on eggshells.

However, in protecting themselves, they are still prone to feeling guilty for not preventing or stopping the abuse. Unfortunately, the abused sibling may also feel angry that their sibling could not protect them, thinking they were okay with it. When in reality, the sibling was probably too scared to speak up. It can also cause distance between siblings, even if the victim is not mad because the other may feel guilty enough to assume they are to blame for the transgressions. This can ruin the relationship between siblings for the rest of their lives unless properly discussed with each other and in therapy.

Domestic Abuse can happen with any family member and affects all people within the household.  If you or someone you love is in danger, see what resources you can use, whether it’s the domestic abuse hotline, family, or individual therapy.  If you have been the victim or witness of domestic abuse in the past, please consider talking to a therapist or close friend to help you recover emotionally and mentally. It is never too late to seek help!

We are here to support you in your personal healing journey to complete wellbeing.
 We at ARO bring awareness and education to ten different types of abuse and help others heal and find peace.
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Sources

Becker-Phelps, L. “Childhood abuse: The lasting effects on families.” WebMD. (July 20, 2011). https://blogs.webmd.com/relationships/20110720/childhood-abuse-the-lasting-effects-on-families.

Brown and Charbonneau. “How does domestic abuse affect children and families?” Brown & Charbonneau, LLP. (October 17, 2019). https://www.bc-llp.com/domestic-abuse-affect-children-families/.

Khan, N. “What are the effects of domestic violence on the family and children?” Betterhelp. (May 6, 2018). https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/domestic-violence/what-are-the-effects-of-domestic-violence-on-the-family-children/.