By: Whitney Derman

Being truly there for someone is not a one-size-fits-all package. It can take very different approaches depending on who needs you and the situation. When consoling someone, it is best to use the 90% rule, meaning you listen 90% of the time and talk maybe 10% of the time (Brown, 2020). This allows the other person to feel like what they say matters and express their thoughts on the situation without being interrupted or bombarded with questions or advice (Brown, 2020).

More often than not, if a friend comes to you about a difficult situation, they simply want someone to be there that they can talk to, vent to, or confide in. Many people worry they may not know the perfect thing to say or the right advice to give, but that’s okay. Simply being there is usually preferred as it shows you care without overstepping your boundaries.

However, you can be there for someone in many ways: bringing a friend a nice treat without them asking is a good way of showing you care, especially if either you don’t know the situation or they may not want to talk about it (Saunders, 2014). However, in some cases, your friend may be in the sort of trouble that requires tough love; don’t be afraid to call your friend out if they did something wrong. By being honest and not enabling them, you show you care by helping them lead better lives.

One way to do this is to try and get them to see it from the other person’s perspective. Hopefully, this will allow them to understand the situation more and give them a path to remedy it (Selig & Fagan, 2014). This works best when they are in a fight and may have provoked someone without realizing it.

However, many situations require a soft love approach, and using tough love when it is not needed can make your friend feel sadder or like you don’t care (Saunders, 2014). A great way to show soft love is to validate your friend’s feelings (e.g., saying, “That’s awful, you have every right to be angry,” etc.) (Selig and Fagan, 2014). Validating them without offering them advice shows you are listening and care.

In other situations, it can be ok to offer advice, such as if they ask for it or are between two decisions. However, if you do offer advice, there are a few rules:

1. Don’t act like you understand the situation better or as well as they do. Not fully understanding a situation can lead to accidental bad advice. A simple disclaimer such as “but I could be wrong, or “but you know the situation better than I do” may be helpful.
2. Do not expect them to follow your advice just because you offer it. If the other person is an adult, they are solely responsible for making their own decisions (Selig & Fagan, 2014).

Sometimes advice can be helpful even if it’s not followed — for example, sometimes, when I am in a tough situation, I will ask for advice. However, more often than not, I end up not following the given advice. And that isn’t because I want to rebel; it is because hearing a potential choice from another person can make you realize it is the wrong choice for you.

Personally, when making decisions, I go completely by my gut, and if I’m torn, hearing a potential choice by someone else can help me figure out what I truly want to do. Giving advice when you are asked for it is helpful, even if they do not follow it.

In some cases, providing straightforward advice may not be the right move, but if you have a relatable story that may be insightful, you could tell them your story and what you learned. However, if you do that, make sure to be brief; you do not want to deflect the attention off of them and onto yourself (Selig & Fagan, 2014).

Being there for someone is very doable, but you must think about what they truly need instead of focusing on being the hero. Also, some days you may not be able to give as much. Listen to your needs, and do not fret if you can’t always give 100% to your loved ones (Saunders, 2014).

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Sources

Brown, J. “Being there for someone — a short but powerful guide.” RSS. June 2, 2020. https://www.thementalhealthupdate.com/posts/being-there-for-someone-guide.

Saunders, F. “How to truly be there for someone.” Thought Catalog. March 14, 2014. https://thoughtcatalog.com/francesca-saunders/2014/03/how-to-truly-be-there-for-someone/.

Selig, M. (2014, October 24). “9 ways to be there for a friend, without giving advice.” Psychology Today. October 24, 2014. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201410/9-ways-be-there-friend-without-giving-advice.