By: N.M. Bialko

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. Our relationship consisted of lies. There were lies about his past, lies to set up new lies, lies about other people, and lies about himself. He told lies where there was no need to lie and even opportunities where no normal human would even think to lie. Some of what I had learned made me physically sick, and even though he should be the one filled with shame (and likely isn’t), I was the one left feeling foolish because I knew all along he was a “liar and phony.”

I want to smack myself for ignoring my instincts when we first met all those months ago. I knew that something was off immediately, and I failed to trust myself. I knew I was being lied to and that his narrative was not adding up or making sense, and yet I continued in the “relationship.” At times he would lie about his previous living situations and even his employment, to the extent of sending pictures in a work uniform while “at work” when he hadn’t worked there in several years and had been in and out of employment.

I have a cousin in law enforcement who told me, “When someone lies about the little things, it is because they have big things to hide.” And, wow, did he have some big things! He presented as a Marine who was in hand-to-hand combat at the battle of Al Fallujah. He would go on to tell many lies about his “service.” He feigned PTSD and pretended to be afraid of revolving doors. I witnessed him tattoo his right forearm with “USMC.” I would later learn that he was discharged 30 days after entering for fraud and Bipolar Disorder and was sent home to his mother.

Forty-three days after meeting him, I had concerns about his behavior and that maybe this was not the right person for me. I saw the Red Flags, but instead of ignoring them, I did something.

At first, I made “Pros and Cons” of this budding relationship. Some of the cons included:

Treatment of Servers: He acted like a fool in front of my friends and was rude and abrasive to servers. He was disrespectful in general. For example, instead of handing the cashier his debit card, he would drop it on the counter.

Too many Gifts: Sometimes “love bombing” or excessive gift-giving are forms of control and abuse. I felt the gifts were extravagant and did not understand where he was getting all his money.

But I stayed in the “relationship” and found myself right back to where I knew something was very wrong. So, I needed a more significant sign.

I found some hot pink Post-it notes and wrote down every Red Flag that I had encountered. My desk was covered in hot pink Post-it notes! I kept them there for days and read them anytime I had a weak moment.

Recently, I had dinner with my aunt, and I confided in her about my discoveries and my regret for not getting away sooner. She told me it would do me no good to dwell on the past, and at the very least, I had a learning experience, and it would never happen to me again. She advised me how important it is to trust your instincts and described, “When the hair on the back of your neck stands up, you’ve got to trust your instincts!” (She then made a smacking motion with her hands to signal that’s enough or wash your hands of it). My aunt reminded me that it is also important to confide in someone if you think something is off.

Please learn from me. Do not stick around to find out that you were right about someone being a bad person. When you finally get to the truth (and “truth” is used loosely with a person like this), you will not feel vindicated as you thought you might. You are more likely to feel sad. And if you did stick around maybe a little longer than you’d hoped, offer yourself some compassion. As humans, we do not automatically assume we are being lied to and would never predict some levels of deception.

I wish that I could stop him at this moment. It is highly likely he is telling his war story to one girl while stealing from another, all the while there is likely some poor girl sneaking into his bed at night who has no idea how filthy his sheets really are.

If you find yourself doubting someone and your instincts make you feel they are bad news, you must trust yourself! Identify the Red Flags and write them down. Go get those Post-it notes! Stick them somewhere that will force you to look at them! Read them every day until you smack those hands together! Read them every day until you walk away!

Take it even a step further and go find a friend, a loved one, or a confidant and tell them what you think, feel, and see. Find someone street smart who knows a phony when they see one. (Find someone like my aunt.) Find an organization of people like ARO.

When the hair goes up on the back of your neck, will you smack your hands and walk away?

When the time comes for you to trust yourself, will you?