By: Nicole Bialko

As team members and subscribers of Abuse Refuge Org (ARO), we understand the importance of educating and protecting others from abuse. We know that abuse takes on many forms and is an isolating and often shameful experience. We have found ways to rise above the pain and move forward and are committed to helping others through ARO.

Each of us has a story. Our stories can help others.

My story: I was in a toxic relationship with a love bombing narcissist (likely a sociopath). I had re-entered the dating world a bit naive following my divorce and failed to realize how vulnerable and insecure I was at that time. I did what so many of us would do initially — I did not trust my instincts and excused red flags. I was lied to, emotionally abused, and mentally manipulated. He would use scare tactics, and despite my best efforts, I could not escape him or the cycle of abuse.

When a love bomber pulls their “love” away, it makes you feel empty and leaves you thinking you did something wrong, and at times you question your sanity. At a low point in our “relationship,” and at a time I was determined to exit, I had an idea.

It started with the desire to talk to other women (or men) about their experience in a toxic relationship and ask questions in hopes the answers would help others.

Some of the questions, among others, were: What was the first indicator of trouble? How did you get out? What did you do to move on? How has this experience influenced your current relationship?

I thought if this information was out there, then maybe this type of hurt could be identified and prevented, and perhaps it would help me heal and move on in the process.

I don’t want other women to suffer — I want them to be smarter. I want to protect their hearts. (Both figuratively and literally.) I want them to learn from me.

Unfortunately, after that idea hit me, I could not exit the “relationship” as I had hoped. It evolved into stalking, and after several months of unwanted texts, phone calls, gifts, and unwelcomed visits, I got the courage to go to the authorities. He entered my home while I was away and left “love” notes throughout my apartment. He even sprayed his cologne as if to mark his territory. I knew I would never be able to make it stop without help. I realized I could no longer solve the problem on my own.

I petitioned the court for a Civil Protective Order, and he was indicted by a grand jury and spent five days in jail last fall. He is currently out on bond and facing felony charges that include: Menacing by Stalking; Burglary, and Violation of a Protective Order. Unfortunately, these pending felony charges have not stopped him, as he can be found on various dating apps as I write this to you. He often describes himself as an “excellent communicator.”

I have a story but not an ending. I learned from the prosecutor that the court does not intervene unless bones are broken or there is a crime scene with a dead body.

This week I talked to another woman at the nail salon, and she told me that a stranger was stalking her. He was showing up where she works and lives, and she had even seen him sitting in his car while she was inside the grocery store. She contacted the authorities, but it remains unclear what they will do or if they can do anything. (Remember, there is no crime scene yet.) Our conversation continued to our experiences in toxic relationships, and she was bold enough to confide in me in a way that I feel most are unwilling.

She acknowledged that her former boyfriend was a narcissist and did all the research to understand her predicament. She knows what we all know — a narcissist is all about control. She also discussed that it was the best sex of her life. Yes, I know that all too well. We agreed that narcissist abusers must have some sexual playbook, and they use their abilities to keep and control you longer. We don’t always talk about that, do we — the amazing sex. We don’t speak about it until it becomes dangerous.

I know of a woman battling custody with a narcissistic abuser. Now, I know how difficult it is to get custody in these situations and how it appears our courts are more interested in protecting the abuser. This is another form of control and an example of financial abuse as she drains her savings to protect her children. They and many more like them have a story.

Yes, there are many stories to tell.

You have a story.

Will you share it with me?

“Breathe Life”

If you would like to share your story in a safe environment to educate and protect others, please reach out to Nicole at nicoleb@abuserefuge.org

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