By: Lauren Jacques

When you think about your trauma, do you see yourself as a victim or a survivor? Do you see yourself as someone watching the event unfold—a target being pushed around by your abuser? Do you see yourself at the center of the abuse, hurt but alive? Can you picture yourself now, after the abuse? Are you still waiting for the next blow, or are you able to see that you have made it through the trauma?

The words we use affect our view of ourselves and our trauma. My therapist refers to this as “the story we tell ourselves.” The words “victim” and “survivor” can refer to the same person, but they have slightly different meanings.

Merriam-Webster defines a victim as “one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent,” and “one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions or subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.” Some synonyms listed were “loser” and “prey.”

The definition of “survivor” is “to remain alive or in existence: live on. To continue to function or prosper.” Another example is “a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.”

When you look at these definitions, you might see a victim as someone who had something wrong done to them. They are not the one causing injury, destruction, or oppression. They are the one receiving. In grammatical terms, they are the object of the sentence, not the subject. Abusers (subject) hurt (verb) the victim (object).

A survivor is someone that is living beyond a bad situation. They are the subject of the sentence. The survivor (subject) made it through (verb) the abuse (object).

Using “survivor” instead of “victim,” the focus of the sentence turns from the abuser to the abused. You should be the focus of your own story.

The article “The Survivor Mentality” by CBT Psychological Associates states, “A victim mentality is when an individual perceives him/herself as the target of the trauma, tragedy, abuse, etc. to the point where it negatively affects his/her well-being. Victims often identify with negative, self-defeating emotions such as shame, guilt, anger, resentment, etc. … A survivor mentality focuses on overcoming the negative activating events and promotes the individual’s adaptive behaviors. A survivor mentality includes thoughts like: I am a survivor. I can adapt. I am resilient.”

You may not feel like a survivor. You may still feel trapped by the things that happened to you. But just telling yourself repeatedly that you are a survivor, not a victim, can help change your view of life. You can slowly start to see that those things were not your fault; they should never have happened, but you made it through them anyway.

In the article “Victim vs. Survivor,” abuse survivor Tiffeny Town said, “How does the survivor compare to the victim? Well, I define myself as a survivor. Yes, I had horrible things happen to me in my childhood and early adult years. I also struggle with anxiety and depression caused by these traumas; however, I choose not to succumb to the detriment of being a victim. I choose to look at every experience I had and use it to make me strong. To learn, and to overcome, and in turn, help others do the same. Does that mean I am completely healed of the trauma? Absolutely not! It just means that I face every one of those traumas head-on and do the work to come through to the other side.”

“Survivor” and “victim” are two words referring to someone involved in a difficult situation. Changing your inner narrative from referring to yourself as a survivor instead of a victim may not feel like a big deal. Yet, it’s about placing the focus on you rather than your abuser or the abuse you received. “Survivor” may not even be the word that you find most helpful.

Kate Harding, a rape survivor, wrote in the Time article “I’ve Been Told I’m a Survivor, Not a Victim. But what’s Wrong with Being a Victim?”, “In truth, I am both (a victim and a survivor) and I am neither. I am one human being with a particular story about a life-shaping act of violence that, no matter how many times I tell it, only I will ever know by heart. Call me whatever you like.”

Harding makes the point that choosing what word to describe yourself with, whether it be “survivor” or something else, is about making your story your own. Survivors “want to speak for themselves. They want their stories to be theirs.”

You are not just a survivor or a victim or anything else. You are you. However you feel about telling your story is perfect, as long as you are working to heal and to better understand yourself.

If you are reading this article, you have survived everything that has happened to you so far. You can survive whatever else is coming next too.

Learn more about overcoming different types of abuse at GoARO.org and from the sources below. Please consider donating to help support ARO’s mission of helping the abused.

“I’ve Been Told I’m a Survivor, Not a Victim. But What’s Wrong with Being a Victim?” By Kate Harding, February 27, 2020. https://time.com/5789032/victim-survivor-sexual-assault/.

“Victim vs. Survivor” By Tiffeny Town, June 2, 2019. https://inspireyourlifecoach.com/victim-vs-survivor/.

“The Survivor Mentality” By CBT Psychological Associates https://cbtpsychologicalassociates.com/the-survivor-mentality/.